I've seen my zen teacher be as tough as a military drill sergeant and as compassionate as buddha, taking on the world's suffering to help heal it. I used to think that some days he was just being an asshole, and while none of us are saints, what I've come to learn is Genpo cares with depth few teachers can embody.
I consider myself a good listener. I sigh when a sigh is needed, I grimace on cue and courtesy chuckle like a talk show host making their guest feel welcomed. This works; people share their story and since I'm triggering all the right interpersonal signals they feel heard. Other times they might be looking for validation about something I disagree with, and I can nod and smile with the best of them.
Lately the ritual of nodding, placating, giving people the quick pat on the back feels more contrived than ever. Since starting Big Mind my traditional interpersonal communication skills have wavered. The Big Mind process helps me identify and name the emotional persona I'm currently speaking as, and in doing so I take ownership of my feelings. This empowerment is akin to remembering the name to a familiar face, or finally recalling that word that was previously drawing blanks, or on an esoteric realm, being called by your true name for the first time and finally feeling home. On any realm, naming the voice or trait we're speaking as helps us to understand why we're feeling the way we are.
Like most things that keep us stuck, this old dialog pattern is yet another high-fiver in the fear club. I thought by giving the standard and expected responses people want that they'll see I care, and ultimately that they'll like me. What I realized today was how incredibly selfish and truly un-caring this act is. It's motivated by my ego trying to cover it's ass. The end result is the relationships and intimacy I was wanting is simultaneously being pushed away, by me! Why? Because a mountain fake smiles is easier than a single moment of vulnerability. And vulnerability creates intimacy.
And then I look at Genpo Roshi who learned value of this insight probably early on in his practice. Helping people isn't about getting them to like you. For me it's about knowing that at a different vantage point there is nothing that needs to be changed. And at that place there is also no distinction between you and them, no liking to be liked, if you will. Genuine and authentic compassion flows from the source of knowing who you always have been, and these are the tools used by my teacher.