I've been noticing lately how much of my life is controlled by fear. I constantly feel threatened, as if I always have to stand guard and protect what is mine and what is me. It's disappointing because I want nothing more than to connect with people and this fear-based decision model works in the exact opposite manner. The more I use it, the bigger the boundaries become to having an intimate platonic relationship. It's the only model I know though.
I fear losing control. I fear losing my friends and family or that the vision for my company is flawed and doomed for failure. I fear I'm not a good enough husband. I have all sorts of fears that would stifle my growth if I think about them all the time. The problem is I *do* think about all the time, subconsciously. I'm tired of this ruleset being the criteria of how I respond.
Today I realized that all my fears can be lumped into one giant fear. Can you guess what that might be? My biggest fear is not wanting to be alone. That's the parent fear spawning off all its symptomatic siblings. I don't want to lose control because I don't know what I might do and people might not like me. If I'm a bad husband my wife might leave me, and so on.
Why do I not want to be alone? Because what I identify as *me* is my body and brains and If I'm separate, then I have something to protect which creates an obstacle to love. Love is open and honest and knows no boundaries. How can I really experience love when I'm too occupied building barriers?
What if I'm more than just my brains and body? What if I'm everything? What if I'm also you? I had an experience the other day of never being born. Sure, I was a baby and given a name and I have parents, but I felt as if I existed before that. This isn't reincarnation I'm referring to but an experience of the law that matter is neither created nor destroyed, it simply changes forms. I changed forms.
Take a moment to become everything. How big are you? See if you can find any boundaries to who you are. Now take a look at fear. Do you fear losing control? What is there to lose control of if you're everything? Do you fear being alone? What is there that isn't already you to fear? It's beautiful isn't it? The questions just fall away since there's no longer anything to fear or protect.
Sure, the paradox is that you're both a separate entity and also everything all at once. That's what make being human such a blessing. If we were all energy and just energy, we'd never be able to experience ourselves. Because we're human we have the ability to forget that we're everything and then remember again, and laugh. We are the millions of reflections pointing to the single mirror. We only become afraid when we mistakingly see the reflections as the real thing.