I've seen my zen teacher be as tough as a military drill sergeant and as compassionate as buddha, taking on the world's suffering to help heal it. I used to think that some days he was just being an asshole, and while none of us are saints, what I've come to learn is Genpo cares with depth few teachers can embody.
I consider myself a good listener. I sigh when a sigh is needed, I grimace on cue and courtesy chuckle like a talk show host making their guest feel welcomed. This works; people share their story and since I'm triggering all the right interpersonal signals they feel heard. Other times they might be looking for validation about something I disagree with, and I can nod and smile with the best of them.
Lately the ritual of nodding, placating, giving people the quick pat on the back feels more contrived than ever. Since starting Big Mind my traditional interpersonal communication skills have wavered. The Big Mind process helps me identify and name the emotional persona I'm currently speaking as, and in doing so I take ownership of my feelings. This empowerment is akin to remembering the name to a familiar face, or finally recalling that word that was previously drawing blanks, or on an esoteric realm, being called by your true name for the first time and finally feeling home. On any realm, naming the voice or trait we're speaking as helps us to understand why we're feeling the way we are.
Like most things that keep us stuck, this old dialog pattern is yet another high-fiver in the fear club. I thought by giving the standard and expected responses people want that they'll see I care, and ultimately that they'll like me. What I realized today was how incredibly selfish and truly un-caring this act is. It's motivated by my ego trying to cover it's ass. The end result is the relationships and intimacy I was wanting is simultaneously being pushed away, by me! Why? Because a mountain fake smiles is easier than a single moment of vulnerability. And vulnerability creates intimacy.
And then I look at Genpo Roshi who learned value of this insight probably early on in his practice. Helping people isn't about getting them to like you. For me it's about knowing that at a different vantage point there is nothing that needs to be changed. And at that place there is also no distinction between you and them, no liking to be liked, if you will. Genuine and authentic compassion flows from the source of knowing who you always have been, and this are the tools used by my teacher.
introspection
> Helping people isn't about getting them to like you.
Though, most of the time it's easier to help someone if they like you first. They're more open to what you have to say. I can think of few relationships where this is not the case, other then military applications maybe ;) But then there is a time for tough love which rarely has anything to do with liking.
> Genuine and authentic compassion flows from the source of knowing who you always have been...
Is this along the lines of 'Know Thyself'? That you must first know who you are and love yourself in order to share that love/caring/compassion with others?
'Eff Yeah
Hi Sirkitree,
It can be helpful for people to like you first. There's just that icky part we humans often do which is seek validation in others to the point that helping them because yet another ego trip for us (and then who are we really helping?). Two good books come to mind on the art of rapport building.
Answering your second question. Another source of inspiration in my life is my business partner, Jeff Robbins who captures the modern day essence of "know thyself". We've made some tough decisions that from the outside look ridiculous and probably break all of the business 101 rules on the planet. But we know what we want and we're actively doing our collective gut checks to try and get there. So it's not just "know thyself" because it's also about standing up or even standing alone. I think it's best captured with the phrase: "'eff yeah!".
Personally, I felt this insight when I choose to live life rather than it living me. Before that I was left feeling like all I could was clutch onto things as they passed by because that's as good as it gets. I'm not happy all the time, but I'm also no longer searching for infinite bliss. And I'm no longer searching for infinite bliss because I'm already complete and connected. And I can be sad and angry and a jerk and compassionate and vulnerable and the full range of human experience because that's who I am. And it's this paradox of not needing to do anything to be who we are, yet being human with desires and emotions and taste and touch that make this experience complexly rich. 'Eff yeah!
Thank You
Wow. I'm stunned. I'm typing and un-typing, trying to find a way to express how deeply each word of what you wrote resonates. In any case, thank you for capturing this. It's beautiful, and feels good to read.
Embarrassingly true how some seriously skilled mechanics turn the crank of many smiles, my head bobbing out of the reflex to "understand;" out of desire to be the "Understander." The truth is I (think I) often *do* relate - but I'm not sure what to do with it other than nod and duck for cover.
'Come closer, please - yaaaaaahhh! - but don't look so close! Yeeks, back off, okay? But hey - don't go too far...'
"The end result is the relationships and intimacy I was wanting is simultaneously being pushed away, by me! Why? Because a mountain fake smiles is easier than a single moment of vulnerability. And vulnerability creates intimacy."
So caring - like mourning - is selfish, and caring like mourning is unselfish; empowering and dethroning; scary and safe. I guess if what defines us also makes us ridiculously undefinable, we may as be okay with being ridiculously all of it. Or something.
Hee hee hee. At least the thought our ridiculouslness good for a laugh...hee hee hee. Can't go wrong with that one.
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